Author: Guo Lanxin (郭兰心), Distinct Healthcare.
“I can’t do anything right. I’m so useless!”
“Work has been a complete mess lately, and I’m not doing a good job of looking after my child either…”
“No matter how hard I try, I’m always worse than everyone else…”
“I’m completely worthless!”
When a close family member or friend says these self-critical words in a tearful voice, our hearts may tighten, and we may rush to tell them, “Don’t think that way.”
No one breaks down for no reason, and no one decides they are worthless out of nowhere. These seemingly sudden expressions of self-disparagement are often the result of stress that has built up over a long time.
As setbacks in life pile up, the inner voice saying “I’m not good enough” grows louder and louder. People who do not know how to express their emotions may have no other way to signal that they need help than by “attacking themselves.”
We all want to offer real comfort, yet when we open our mouths, all that comes out is a hollow “How can that be?” or “You’re overthinking it.” In the face of overwhelming emotions, these responses can feel so powerless.
So what should we actually do?
This Kind of “Concern” Often Makes People Feel Worse
Perhaps we have all experienced this: after finally managing to speak about our inner pain and difficulties, the “comfort” someone blurts out only makes our feelings more complicated.
Ineffective Response 1: “Aren’t You Just Getting Hung Up on This? Try to Let It Go!”
Although we desperately want the person to feel better soon, interrupting or trying to correct their emotions is never a good approach. They may well feel, “You don’t understand me at all,” and remain trapped under their own “dark cloud.”
Ineffective Response 2: “Other People Have It Much Worse. You’re Doing Fine.”
It is difficult to compare one person’s suffering with another’s. Trying to do so turns it into an Olympics of suffering. This can leave the person feeling, “I don’t deserve to feel sad.” Yet sadness is one of the basic human emotions.
Ineffective Response 3: “You Just Have Too Much Time on Your Hands. Keep Busy and You Won’t Feel Bad.”
Taking action is indeed an important way to regulate emotions. But this response oversimplifies the complex problems people are experiencing and does not meaningfully address what they are telling us.
Ineffective Response 4: “Stop Crying. Be Strong.”
Feeling distressed does not mean someone is not strong. In fact, expressing their feelings openly takes a great deal of courage.
In short: When you hear someone attacking themselves, do not rush in like a firefighter putting out a blaze and try to extinguish their feelings. At times like these, accepting and expressing emotions is the key to working through distress [1].
When Someone Needs “Emotional First Aid,” Try These Three Steps
Whether the person is a colleague, a friend or a family member—including a child—our first priority should be listening, not talking.
Step 1: Listen
If you are ready to hear what the person wants to share, here are some things you can do:
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Find a comfortable place to talk.
Choose a safe-feeling, private setting where you can both relax, without worrying about being interrupted or overheard.
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Hold back advice, judgements and counterarguments.
Often, the person needs to be understood more than they need to be instructed. We can simply focus on listening.
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Use eye contact and your responses to say, “I’m listening carefully.”
Appropriate eye contact, nodding and simple responses such as “Mm-hmm” or “Yes” can all help the person feel that you are paying attention.
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Respond primarily to their emotions, not just to what happened.
Try putting their feelings into words, for example:
“I can see how hurt and unfairly treated you feel…”
“With so many things piling up at once, it really would make you anxious…”
Pay attention to how the person is doing, and respond in keeping with what they express.
Step 2: Accept Their Emotions and Affirm Them
Once their emotions have settled a little, we can tell them directly: It is normal to experience these feelings.
What might this look like in practice? Here is an example:
A presents her work to her manager one morning. He is unhappy with one of her reports and points out numerous shortcomings. At lunchtime, A is still staring at the document on her computer screen, looking through more than a dozen comments requesting changes, and has yet to go for lunch.
When a colleague asks what is wrong, A says in a slightly tearful voice:
“I worked overtime all week and looked at more than a dozen industry case studies, but I still didn’t get it right. I just can’t meet Mr X’s expectations. He’s so angry—he must be really disappointed in me, right? I can’t do anything right…”
Clearly, A is under a great deal of stress. After she has shared her feelings, we could respond as a colleague by saying:
“When our manager is unhappy with us, our efforts don’t produce results, or we don’t receive the recognition we hoped for, we all feel discouraged. We may even feel worthless. This shows how much this task matters to you, and that you’re under enormous pressure.”
“When a manager points out shortcomings, many people automatically wonder whether they haven’t worked hard enough or aren’t professional enough. That’s a very common reaction. You’re not the only one who thinks this way.”
We also need to acknowledge the person’s efforts and worth, and be specific about it. For example:
“When you had no idea where to start, you were willing to find more than a dozen case studies from others in the industry and learn from them. Doing that is already really impressive.”
“We all know that you worked overtime to finish the report last week, and that it wasn’t easy. In those projects last quarter, the… (results) you achieved really benefited all of us.”
Step 3: Offer Support Without Taking Over
Once the person feels that their emotions have been seen and accepted, we can offer some practical support. For example:
- If they are worried about work, invite them for a coffee and a chat about it, or take a walk together after work.
- If family matters are troubling them, arrange to take the children out to play together.
As family members and friends, however, we should keep these three points in mind when offering support:
- We can offer support and companionship, but we cannot solve the person’s problems for them.
- We should offer support within our own capacity and only take on what we can manage.
- Do not impose our opinions on them.
Although we want to help them escape their self-doubt and self-criticism, ultimately they are the ones who must face and resolve their problems.
As family members and friends, it is already a great achievement if we can temporarily set aside the urge to judge or criticise, listen to what they share, attend to their feelings and stay alongside them as they regain their emotional balance.
Consider Professional Support When Needed
Sometimes, the feeling of being “completely worthless” is not simply a passing low mood. It may arise from deeper psychological distress.
When the love we express and the support we work hard to provide do not help the person feel better, it may be time to consider bringing in “outside help.”
Warning signs to watch for:
- Their negative emotions last for more than two weeks and interfere with everyday life, work or study.
- They develop severe physical symptoms, such as persistent insomnia, loss of appetite or chronic pain.
- They have thoughts of harming themselves.
- Their relationships are seriously affected, and they become isolated and withdrawn.
- You, as their supporter, already feel completely exhausted.
At this point, psychological counselling may be worth considering.
Of course, counsellors are not magicians. Although many people think of the counselling room as a place where they can “make a wish,” we do not have such magical powers.
So what kinds of help can we offer?
1. A Safe, Private Space to Talk
First, we can provide a safe, confidential space to share. Here, people can take off all their social masks and freely express their deepest vulnerabilities and fears.
2. Helping Genuine Feelings That Are Hard to Name Be Seen
Second, we are more skilled at active listening, which allows us to offer steadier, more patient support [2].
For example,
A says:
“I’m so tired every day, and work is still going terribly. I feel like I’m just a waste of space.”
A counsellor might respond:
“I can see that you’re exhausted, as though you can barely breathe. Would you be willing to tell me what it feels like when you describe yourself as a ‘waste of space’?”
We patiently hold these emotions, like a gentle container, so that the person’s genuine feelings can be seen.
3. Bringing “Blind Spots” to the Surface and Untangling Emotional Difficulties
Drawing on systematic psychological theories and professional counselling techniques, counsellors can act like a mirror, helping people see their patterns of thinking, their unconscious psychological defences, and the deeper roots of their emotional reactions.
For example,
A says, “I’m so useless!” three or four times during counselling.
The counsellor might ask:
“What do you think the standard for being ‘useful’ is? When did that standard first appear in your life?”
Like detectives, counsellors try to help people make sense of the sources of their distress, making change possible.
4. Learning Effective Coping Strategies
Counselling is not just about listening. Depending on the person’s needs, it can also offer specific skills, such as how to respond to emotions more effectively, communicate well with others and develop a healthy understanding of oneself.
For example,
A mentions that lately she has often been losing her temper with her child after work. She has been unable to play with her child calmly, and the child ends up having an emotional meltdown too.
The counsellor might invite A to learn and practise how to express herself less aggressively and how to pause when she feels her emotions taking over.
For example:
“When you’re feeling tired and irritable, you could explain the situation to your child. You might say, ‘Mummy is a little tired right now and can’t play with you just yet. I’m going to rest for 10 minutes, and then I’ll come and find you. You can play with Daddy for a little while now.’ How would it feel to try expressing yourself this way?”
5. Providing a Corrective Emotional Experience
Many feelings of worthlessness may stem from unmet needs or trauma early in life. Within the counselling relationship, people can experience unconditional acceptance, understanding and responsiveness, helping them heal their inner wounds [3].
For example,
after some time in counselling, A realises that from a very young age she had learned, “Only by being good and considerate could I be loved.” As a result, she has always instinctively put her own needs aside in relationships.
In the counselling room, however, the counsellor offers unconditional positive regard, helping A build a sense of self-worth. Whatever emotions or behaviours A reveals that feel unfamiliar or shameful to her, the counsellor remains consistent in accepting and understanding her.
As A leaves the counselling room, she might say to the counsellor:
“Wow, so I really can be my true self.”
Support Resources Within Reach
The following resources can also help:
- Psychological assistance hotline: If a family member or friend is feeling very low, or even has a tendency towards self-harm, they can call the national psychological assistance hotline on 12356. Remember to add the area code when dialling.
- Free psychological counselling platforms: Universities such as Beijing Normal University and Peking University offer free psychological counselling to the public.
Psychological distress can often bring a sense of crisis. A crisis involves danger, but it is also an opportunity for growth. The distress may not disappear quickly, but please remember that help is available: we are not alone.
Credits
Reviewer: Sun Hui (孙晖), Distinct psychological counsellor; Master’s degree in Applied Psychology, Southwest University.
Content editor: Sun (隼).
References
[1]Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2018). Emotion-focused therapy: A clinical guide. American Psychological Association.
[2]Weger, H., Castle, G. R., & Emmett, M. C. (2017). Active Listening in Peer Interviews: The Influence of Eye Gaze and Expressive Behavior. Western Journal of Communication, 81(5), 585-608.
[3] Farber, B. A., & Goldberg, M. D. (2018). The “real” relationship in psychotherapy: An updated review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(12), 2097–2106.
For permission to reproduce this article, contact: medicine@distinctclinic.com.
Disclaimer: This article provides general health information only and does not replace personalised medical advice. Please consult a qualified clinician for questions about your own health.
